We Can Do Better Than “Be Careful!”
What parent hasn’t uttered “Be careful?” I certainly have, but years of raising three explorers and teaching Tinkergarten have taught me volumes about why telling kids to “be careful” may just be the worst way to keep them safe. Instead, I’ve taken a different tack.
To start, it can really help to acknowledge why so many of us say, “Be careful” to begin with. Because we CARE! We say it to the people we love because we truly want them to care for themselves as we would. I even used to say, “Be careful!” every time my husband would take off on his road bike to seek thrills (something that has always worried this non-biker!).
And for those of us who truly want our kids to be independent, we may feel even more inclined to give them reminders before they head off to climb, jump, and take risks.
Why not say, “Be careful”?
First, if you repeat it too often, it loses its impact. Kids just stop listening.
Second, “Be careful,” is so generic. That phrase doesn’t really help a child learn anything about the risk in a given situation, never mind how to manage that risk. If you can be a bit more specific, you can guide your child to be safer in the moment, and you may even help him or her learn about how to manage a situation in the future.
Kids also enjoy and benefit from playing in ways that are inherently dangerous. My favorite is what Wired magazine’s GeekDad and I both agree is the #1 toy of all time—sticks. Often a “be careful” really means “put that stick down.” What a loss! Sticks are so versatile, and playing with them supports imagination, gross and fine motor skills, creativity, problem-solving skills, and more. Let’s not put the sticks away; let’s help kids learn to give sticks and each other the space they need to be safe.
Perhaps my favorite reason, though, is that there is a negative impact of using fear-inducing language with kids (and likely with husbands). Clever media like this video (on Facebook) or this post by the Child and Nature Alliance of Canada can really help make this point click. When we give commands for kids to “be careful,” “don’t fall!” or even “stop!” our alert is loaded with warning and focuses on the danger—rather than reminding kids of their capacity to manage the situation.
Our minds do not process negative information easily. In fact, threat distracts us and can diminish our ability to attend to the task at hand. Kids often respond to this negative input by experiencing fear. Fear tends to make all of us freeze—but that is not what kids need to do in most risky play situations. Rather, kids need to access their confidence, past experience and knowledge, and problem solving resources. Rather than build resilience, this kind of fear-inducing feedback from us could make kids more unsafe in the moment and more reluctant to try in the future. Oh no!
How to do better?
To get started breaking the habit, enlist the help of your family. You may find that your kids will love being the “be careful!” police. And you’ll find yourself using a whole new vocabulary.
A few short phrases have been extra helpful for me. Here are some favorites:
When kids are climbing or navigating uneven terrain, remind them to fully engage their resources and skills and/or be on the lookout for a moment when they could use assistance:
“Strong steps.”
“Take your time.”
“Wow, nice climbing with hands and feet.” (i.e. narrate what you are seeing that they are doing well)
“How are you feeling on those rocks?”
“Are you feeling safe?”
“Let me know if you want some teamwork.”
When kids have play objects that could hurt someone else, do not block their brain-and spirit-building play, but help them use the objects safely:
“Sticks (or rocks) need space, can you move a bit so your stick has plenty of space?” (I LOVE this)
“Wait; let’s tell our friends to watch out and move out of the area before you throw that rock.”
“Which direction should you throw that/wave that so other friends are safe?”
“How about counting so everyone knows when you’re throwing your rock….1, 2, 3…throw!”
When your partner heads out on a bike ride on winding roads? Try, “Strong pedals, honey!” (Then just hope for the best!)
